Coping as a Trailing Spouse in the First Few Weeks After the Move

So, you’ve taken on this role of Accompanying Spouse, Trailing Spouse, Relocating Spouse, whatever you want to call it. You have moved because of your partner’s career. If you are not working right away, the burden of creating a new home and a new life are going to fall on you. You are the homemaker; you are the 'wife' (even if you are actually the husband).

In an ideal world, you would have known this when you discussed the move. You would have had a chance to decide that yes, this was a role you could handle. In reality of course, that’s probably not how it went. But here you are.

You are responsible for dealing with the utility companies, arguing with the phone service, locating a plumber, rearranging the furniture to make the house seem like home, settling the kids at school, finding a place of worship, registering for anything that needs registered for…the list goes on. And you might be doing all this in a foreign language. It is overwhelming. But guess what? You can do it.

Don’t push it

You must not try to do too much at once. Figure out what is truly essential in these first few weeks and forget about the rest for now. Tackle those tasks first thing in the morning. Do them before you are truly awake, and you will not have time to procrastinate. Getting them done early will give you a sense of achievement that will carry you through to, oh, lunchtime at least. If you can help it, don’t try to do more than two or three things a day. I know you used to juggle fourteen accounts and fifty phone calls a day when you were working, but this is different. Then, you were probably working for someone else, getting paid, and able to leave the scene of the crime at the end of the day. Now:

	The only people who are going to criticize you for any failures are you and, possibly, your spouse. Neither option is very appealing, so don’t ask of yourself more than you can handle. (Don’t forget that, while handling those fourteen accounts you used to gripe about your slave-driving schmuck of a boss. Now you’re the boss and you don’t to be the schmuck, do you?).
	No-one is paying you for this work, although it might be worth pointing out to your spouse that, if you weren’t doing it, they might have to pay someone else to do it, so really, you are an investment. That won’t stop you from feeling worthless if you drive yourself too hard. Even when you did not get accolades at work you still got money. If you try to overachieve here and your spouse doesn’t give you accolades or money, you can start to resent the work - and your spouse - very quickly.
	You are doing all this work from your house. If you get stressed and overwhelmed, you will not be able to flee to a different setting at five o’clock, like you could when you ran screaming from the office at the end of a hard day.

‘Be nice to me’

You may not be used to being nice to yourself, but you are going to have to get used to it. There is no way you can do everything you need to do, and be a support to your spouse and your family, if you are treating yourself worse than you would treat an employee; if you are making yourself crazy.

So here are some ideas of how to be nice to yourself in the first few weeks. These ideas are ones that do not take much time or money – two things you are probably a little short on after relocation.

	Figure out which tasks are truly essential in these first few weeks. Put all others on a list, then pin the list to the next page of your wall calendar. When you turn the page, you can decide whether or not you are ready to take them on.
	Try to avoid giving yourself more than two or three assignments a day (see above).
	Find a place of worship, a social club or a gym, whatever you have used as an anchor in your life in the past. Register with that church, or club. Introduce yourself and say hello to people whenever you see them. But don’t sign up yet for any extra activities (like committees, subcommittees or anything else that requires a regular commitment of time). Wait until you have a feel for the new rhythm of your life, before making any commitments. Be prepared to say ‘no’ and explain your decision, if asked. You don’t want to take on too much and then break commitments.
	Put up a couple of pictures of your favorite places. You should not wallpaper the house with scenes from your old town, but a couple of beautiful pictures in an unobtrusive place can serve as a comfort and a link to the places and people you miss.
	Take a little time every day to be by yourself and give yourself a pep talk. I know it sounds crazy, and you will feel really silly at first, but it works. Pretend you are giving advice to your sister, or your best friend, and think about what you would say to them if they needed building up. Tell yourself how well you have done so far. “Look at what I’ve done. I have picked up my life and moved here, and I’m still breathing. I got a new home and I’m making it into a real home, and I can still smile. I’ve gone from being a career-woman/man to being a housewife/househusband, and I am able coping admirably. People liked me in my old town, (they told me they were going to miss me). People here will like me too. I am loveable. I am strong. I am so capable that everyone is impressed with me.” Practice these ‘affirmations’ daily until you can come out with really outrageously nice compliments about yourself. Don’t skimp on this, especially if you are in a bad mood and really don’t want to do it. That’s a sign that you need to do this exercise.
	Buy yourself a small, inexpensive bouquet of flowers (yes, even if you are a man) and put them on the table where you will eat your dinner. They’re cheerful. You deserve them. You can even clench one between your teeth and greet your spouse with a goofy tango when they come home from work. It will do them good to see you being lighthearted.

Your new job

It is not fashionable to be a stay-at-home partner. Especially in the US, but in other countries too, much emphasis is placed on career and income when defining your place in life. If you had been in the workplace before the move and now are the homemaker (even temporarily) it can be hard to keep a sense of your worth. You must acknowledge that all of the tasks you perform have a value to the corporation that is your marriage/partnership. People always say a successful marriage takes work and there are different kinds of work that need to be done. Don’t think that being at home means you will turn into a submissive 1950s fantasy wife (they never really existed, you know). It just means that you have a new set of responsibilities. Yours is a partnership and even if you are not bringing in a paycheck, you will be able to make your spouse see the value of your contribution – if you believe it yourself.